note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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