ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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