The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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