he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
