I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
