I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
