youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
