yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
