THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
