I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
