pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
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