I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
