I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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