A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
