So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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