I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
