this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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