I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
