I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
