Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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