My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize