The maid of honor just puked.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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