I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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