You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
