i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
