I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I need to align my fucking chakras
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
