just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
