remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize