I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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