Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
