someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
