a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
organizing the empties. That sober.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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