if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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