just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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