it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
accomplished twins. life is a go
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
