rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
