Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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