Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
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