I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
