i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize