Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
