is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
