theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
