apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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