He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
