I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
