If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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