I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
