He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
