She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
