I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
