I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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