last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
