Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
